Victimized by our own Dominance
Recent events have got me thinking again about the way dominance operates in ourselves. Ironically, we see ourselves acting out dominance on ourselves and are prone to shaming ourselves for doing it. We never stop to offer ourselves compassion, to offer ourselves understanding that the programs going on usually have a modeled and behaviorally programmed history extending back into childhood, and constantly reinforced by our peers and social networks.
Take for example the idea of being rude. In a culture like the one I inhabit in Utah, being rude is just one of a dense collection of moral transgressions to watch out for. But I look at calling someone rude as a way to morally leverage what we want. I mean, is there a standard for rudeness that is universally accepted? Instead of saying “Hey, I don’t like it when you do x,” or “when you do x I feel y, and I don’t like it”, negotiating on the basis of egalitarian plurality, we create a moral rule and assert that rule and in the process enforce conformity or sanction punishments, while avoiding real relationship.
Then comes the time where we enter society and we’re programmed to shame ourselves for being rude. Rudeness may be appropriate in aggressive or assertive settings, but we act aggressively or assertively, and then our sense of shame may kick in. Here we have done the appropriate thing for ourselves, and now we have to confront feelings we work hard to avoid. I wonder sometimes if perfectionistic behaviors come from this desire to avoid shame at all costs.
But we find in some circumstances that we have done the right thing, and we still are feeling shame. What then? Is it possible we react to that shame with resentment, and then have only narratives of victimhood or retaliation to play out?
While most of us don’t have the time or the training or example to watch our minds closely, and see where our feelings are arising from, the possibility exists it seems to me from my own experience that in the legitimizing of our feelings, we must find some cause that is suitable. In an overly moralized world, every utterance and action, silence and inaction become a place that is over-controlled to manage our feelings. Ideally we would have the final say over which actions and utterances were truly in accordance with our ethics. The partnership model begins when we are willing to watch closely, compassionately at where our thoughts and feelings are arising from, and choose whether to be dominated by shame, or simply sit this one out.
